Perhaps it is a symptom of the overwhelming malaise that has befallen our country that a reemergence of everything old-fashioned, oops, I mean retro, seems comforting somehow. I applaud the comeback of macaroni & cheese, plaid flannel shirts, Kitchen-Aid mixers and lemonade stands. However, there are some things that should go back to the decade from whence they came and enjoy their permanent retirement within the pages of some J.C. Penney’s catalog showcased alongside a perfectly coiffed, apron-wearing, happy homemaker.
A year ago – my husband and I went washer and dryer shopping. I found the front-loading versions particularly appealing. They are so cute! They are so retro! They are water and energy efficient!! They come with energy rebates!!! They SUCK. (Okay – seriously, I pondered alternate adjectives, but with no success). Why do I loathe our newest large appliances so? I will list them:
11) Oh My Aching Back: Maybe Yoda, a Lilliputian or the E-Trade baby could maneuver the loading and unloading of these machines without contorting their body into unnatural angles while performing serious leg squats. And if I hit my elbow one more time on the side of the dryer, trying to reach that lone sock stuck waaaaay in the back – someone’s going to pay.
2) Rotini-Style Sheets and Towels: Front-loading dryers should just come with a complementary iron and ironing board. Sheets invariably exit the dryer looking like the weapons of choice in a Superman vs.Hulk butt-snapping contest. Oh – and if you don’t have arms as long as Shaq O’Neal, you may want to buy your shirts extra-small.
3) The smell. The stench. The stank. God forbid you leave your best Lycra workout pants in the washing machine over night. Until the end of time – they will have that slightly musty smell that gets incrementally worse whenever they get damp. The moment my heart rate climbs north of 150 bpm, I start emitting dirty-wet-cat-stuck-in-moldy-basement stank.
4) What's a Little Dirt Amongst Friends?: I would bet my 5 o’clock glass of wine that no one could manage the washer to dryer transfer without dropping several items on the floor. Seeing as how my laundry room connects the garage to the rest of the house, the cleanliness of that floor is one slight notch above a barroom floor covered in sawdust and peanut shells. Seems to defeat the purpose.
These are my main complaints. I’m not even going to mention the fact that you cannot just dry your daughter’s favorite jeans, or that spaghetti straps are frequent casualties, or even that it’s near impossible to find the required detergent that has Mountain Spring fragrance. Sigh. Buyer Beware: Don’t be sucked into the spin cycle. Sometimes retro is just plain old.
